Farewell to the old Ready For The New

 

It is Christmas day 2011, Wow! What just happened? It seems as if only yesterday I opened my eyes and it was January 1, 2011 and today it is one week away from 2012.

 I have spent half of 2011 unemployed. In spite of the financial challenges I have had a really good year!

 I also awakened on September 7, 2011 to the one year anniversary of the death of my oldest daughter’s father and as it turns out my first love and dearest friend. I nearly broke down dozens of times that day as heartbreak kicked at my heart like a mule at my bones. Indeed, it was a difficult day, but I got through it.

The difficulty was laced with confirmation as to why I believe in a true and living God of the heavens also reminding me why I sing with my whole heart; He is more than amazing! How else could one ever face the reality of not seeing those they love dearly ever again in this life?

 I also have had breathtaking grandeur moments. One such moment came from some 900 miles away via text message from my son in law saying Nadia is here! Nadia Sophie Delangie was born to my second oldest and her husband on September 3rd. What indescribable joy! She is my 10^th grand child in the treasure chest of love, laughter, and memories to make. Life is definitely sweeter than sweet, coupled with better than good!

 This year my first born grandchildren (a double blessing, twins) reached yet another milestone turning 16. Pride  filled my heart as they made their grand entrance into their sweet- swag 16^th birthday bash. What a celebration! I still cannot believe I have sixteen year old grandchildren.

2011 another year added to my life. It is overflowing with reminders of my many blessings as I learn to appreciate life with and in spite of adversaries.  

Climbing a mountain, as difficult as it may be is absolutely picturesque once you reach the top. If you lose your footing and give up settling for the crash how will you ever experience the breathtaking exhilaration, the exquisite view from the top. Or feel the refreshing-soul cleansing rebirth of life within?

I have been on the mountaintop by way of the valley. It is a given, I have more mountains to climb because I desire to continue growing in every year for the duration of my life. However, I will remember 2011 as the year that catapulted me to a greater level on which I now walk with a new confidence. It is in this new found confidence I have complete clarity.

 Trials beyond my control will continue to meet me on the road of life; nevertheless, those things which are within my control I now understand clarity with confidence gives me an advantage. If I have an advantage over my trails I am the victor and therefore I am an overcomer.

I count all my blessing of 2011 yes and amen as I smile and bid it farewell entering into 2012. I look forward to another blessed year, not because trails will not come but because I am the victor and out of every negative circumstance I decide that good shall prevail!

I am stepping with a joyful heart of great expectation into the year of Two-Thousand and Twelve in my imperfect purrfextlife!

 

Reigning Joy

On September 7, 2010, my dearly beloved friend and father of my firstborn child; Morris, entered life everlasting, leaving this world as he formerly knew it and all those who love him now know it without him.

It was September 23, 1973 the first time I laid eyes on him. I was just a little skinny school girl of 15. His  6’ 4” Slim frame ducked into the doorway of the little trailer our family had just moved into, declaring himself the Jack of all trades and the master of none. I could never have imagined the heritage that would come out of a single moment.

There in the autumn sunlight rays revealing the reddish tone of his skin, chewing on a toothpick, squinting as he laughed at his own comment. Even now as I write I close my eyes and I can see his face and almost hear his laughter. He was trying hard to convince Shay, my older sister he was able restore our loss power. We were all hesitant; fearful of breaking the no one in the house rule in the absence of our parents. He was convincing and thus became an intricate part of my world.

In the year he has been gone I have cried rivers, oceans and more tears. Some days when I remember this world no longer knows the sound of his voice, his laughter, nor will I ever see again the way his eye laugh with his voice I still feel a deep loss, an empty place no other friendship will ever fill.

 The first time I started a new job he was the  one I wanted to call. The words; never again echoed within my being. I lose my breath and my legs become weak. His loss is the greatest pain I have ever known.

It is first even to the day I returned home having left my newborn son in the neonatal intensive care unit. The hope of his healing held me somewhat together. The emptiness would be fulfilled once he was home and in my arms. This empty part was forever. It is at this point the greatest pain I have ever known.

It has been a very long year. (As I breathe in deeply and slowly let it go) A year in which healing has been progressive. The gaping hole from Morris’ absence has undoubtedly begun to shrink enough that the heartache is tolerable but it will never close. In spite of this there are still days the gaping hole feels as vast as it did the day the lights went out and the world stood still for me. 

On days when the phone rings I know he will never call me  to check in, or when I check my voicemail remembering his voice will not be one of the messages; Laughing, saying, “hey babe, I guess we're playing phone tag again." The hardest times are the days I just breathe in and really miss the great friends we became. God used this man who carelessly devastating my young world to reveal an exquisite  pearl of forgiveness. I miss him in great solitude.

On September 3, 2011 my emotions run rampant from great joy, to deep sadness teetering from one extreme to the other as  my second born labored to bring her second little, well not so little (8lbs 9oz) bundle of joy into the world. In the throes of it all I asked myself, how is it that a heart can be so divided? I had never known the enormous amount of pain and joy in the same brimming cup.

I experienced overwhelming joy from the moment my daughter told me she was pregnant, and looming sorrowfulness as the anniversary of the day the call came telling me my friend and my first love no longer graced the same world where I still lived, moved and breathed.

 I can still hear an earsplitting unexplainable sound and then a silence as if the entire world disappeared. It is hard to believe my life is normal again, at least a new normal.

What happens when the heart is thrown into a realm of conflict? When grief collides with joy? Joy battles for victory over grief? A barrage of emotions tossed together; all mixed up. I now have an answer. It is the hard part of life that sometimes teaches us the best of what we need for a lifetime. I can say from experience that the future wins! The joy in life triumphs!

The elation of Nadia birth leaped within my soul while grief, though not subsided most assuredly yielded. What is passed ultimately has to give way to what is. Although Morris’ death brought sorrow and grief, he yet leaves a legacy in my life that brings me joy. Our daughter and our grandchildren are our future even when we are long gone. Death, though tragic and the missing is forever does not overshadow the legacy of generations to come.

Nadia in new birth brings happiness and laughter, but more than this; Nadia is new life. She enters this world with a heritage. She brings Joy! I am elated!

 There is no amount of sorrow that can take away from this life. Nadia brings unspeakable joy! I am blessed to be able to say in spite of deep sadness and tragic occurrences my world yet stands strong and sturdy.

 I am grateful for the birth of Nadia; God’s reminder of the life, love, laughter and Joy reigning evermore in my imperfect PurrfextLife!

In everything there is a season…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; Ecclesiastes 3:4

The Glue

 

It is a crisp, cold, rainy Texas morning just before dawn. The swishing of the tires on the wet streets alert my lyrical senses, determined to sleep in, snuggling down deep into my bed covers I feel myself subconsciously losing the battle for I am thoroughly inspired to get what is burning on the inside on paper before my thoughts become scrambled.  Having convinced myself; true, or not, when the scrambling happens the authenticity is lost in the process recovery. Tossing back the covers and climbing out of bed the battle to sleep in is a thing of the past because what is burning within is far too precious to be lost.

They are the words consisting of two short sweet paragraphs saved on my personal laptop, titled; On the Way to San Marcos (Texas). “Miss Wallace just as humble as can be, she is the one that keeps us glued together. Yes, my grandmother, our entire family.” It took a minute to realize they were words saved not by me, but instead by my 14 year old Granddaughter. As it was my computer I was at first baffled however less confused I read on. She is loving, caring, and always means the best, even when she’s tired and really needs a rest. She loves all her family, friends are included too and when she’s around no one can ever be blue, my grandmother.”

After reading these words for a brief second it was if I was just discovering who I was to my family. I smiled, whispering a thank you to God. It was obvious that my 14 year old granddaughter knew exactly who I was. “She is the one that keeps us glued together.” I repeated her written words out loud. She could have written; she is the one who holds us together, or that keeps us together. The use of the word glued rather than holds are keeps was contextually more powerful quickening my soul. Other synonyms came to mind such as stick, bond and paste; all mediocre in comparison to my granddaughters chosen word glue.

Even as I made my way downstairs to the kitchen the smile still my face as the words replayed in my thoughts. Opening my laptop and reading again as the aroma of freshly brewing dark roast coffee filled the kitchen and soft raindrops splattered against the window. I read; “Miss Wallace, just as humble as she can be. She is the one that keeps us glued together.”

I thought of a few more synonyms; fasten, attached, join, adhesive, still none of them rocked my core like the word glue. I became quite determined to have a great ah ha moment. Looking up the definition of glue, I learned that this gooey pasty stuff called glue is protein gelatin. It is made by boiling collagenous animal parts in water. When these substances are melted it becomes a strong adhesive, or glue. My quest is not complete, the definition strong adhesive has me digging deeper. Often times I don’t feel strong in the least. It is apparent to me my granddaughter doesn’t know this.  

Why had I become so passionate about a mere word? Words give substance to our thoughts. Substance is life. A spoken word can build up as well as tear down.  Okay, I admit say the word glue in itself and not a lot happens, however in her context along with the quickening in my spirit, I was stuck in a need to know status. No more dilemmas!

A former Pastor of our family; Johnny Butler was very conducive in encouraging me to trace the Greek of a word to understand it’s truest meaning. Referencing the new world encyclopedia, I found the Greek word and definition for glue: Ko’lla; glue + gen, collagen. Collagen is fibrous molecule that keeps our bones and tendons strong and it makes up nearly one third of all of the protein our body! I had arrived at my great Ah ha moment and a total blessing to my heart.

Okay, back to this collagen, making up nearly one third of the protein in our body. The fact is the conclusion of the entire matter is without this glue + gen; collagen, with great certainty our body would not be able to function. It is responsible for our tissues and bones; it is also responsible for our teeth, gums and our nervous system. Glue + gen is the glue that holds our body together and keeps us functioning in rhythmic flow of harmony. Through my granddaughter’s eyes I am that glue + gen; the functioning, harmony of our family. I am what she sees who hold us all together.

My granddaughter sees me. She knows me in my tired and badly in need of rest state, in my joy and laughter, in my energetic state and in my silence. She may well know be better than most! She sees exactly what I know in my heart, What I ask for in prayer; for God to show each of my children and grandchildren how much I value them, and how important being there for them is, even when it means sacrifice as at times it does.

Sacrifice is what we do for those we value. The reality is that giving up something we need for others can sometimes feel pained even so, it’s as it should be, because sacrifice is the means whereby one is able to make the choice to go beyond what we would otherwise do. It is going beyond a reasonable expectation. Making sacrifices for the people we love and value allow love to flow from our heart to theirs!

 I have often found myself stretched like a rubber band, knowing it is okay. It is in those stretching times that I love my family all the more. How is it possible to love past forever? I don’t have the answer. I just do. I believe with all of my heart that I am challenged to the highest calling; Parenting and with this to leave behind a legacy of the love not without failure and fault but in spite of. How wonderful to know that it is love that covers a multitude of sin. (1Peter 4:8)

  Is it possible to add more to overflowing? Well it seems that it is. As I am keying away, more Joy is added to the joy already overflowing within. Yes! Joy comes to me in many different ways. The other day it came in these words; “she is the one that keeps us glued together.”  

To my fourteen year old granddaughter I am the glue. It is an incredibly powerful adjective. I am the one who keeps us glued together! For the rest of my days her statement has set a greater challenge before me. A greater desire to be more to my children and grandchildren loving them harder than ever!
 They are the most important reason in my life, second only to God that I am able to rise and shine facing each new day with a smile, ( and even when I am not) still declaring, life is good! Yes! Very good, in my otherwise imperfect PurrfextLife!

 

Sweetly Put

Sweetly put, I am learning with each passing year  to live in laughter. Sometimes it is a bubble of laughter; my own! As I see it, I have survived definite traumas of childhood, some devastation of my youth, the mistakes of my womanhood,  failures in parenting, After 20 years the final rejection of the man I loved who promised to love me forever, but in spite of it all I am still standing! The best part is I am not just standing, I'm moving forward and feeling so, so good in the process!

Yes, things certainly could have been a lot better, but momma always said there is always someone worse off than you. Against those words my life may look like a taste of heaven compared to another. I treat my life like a bunch of stuff poured into a flour sifter, (does anyone even use those for baking anymore?) while you are turning that little handle after a while the lumps are gone and you can concentrate on the rest of the recipe.

If it’s a batch of triple chocolate brownies the finished product leads to fulfillment and joy! (Okay, I confess, I don’t eat those any more than I bake them) The point is through it all, I am learning to live better with each new day, to laugh harder and love no matter what. When the clumps and lumps are sifted through and you are still standing, whole and complete there something invigoratingly energizing and if you have felt it of course you have to agree, empowering!

  The most crucial element to achieve a life of wholeness is forgiveness. In being able to forgive others our heavenly father is able to forgive us. (Matt 6:14) Does anyone get through life unscathed by betrayal? Whether relational, professional, or mere acquaintances, betrayal produces heartache and /or anger.

The problem is heartache leads to various degrees of emotional crisis and anger leads to bitterness. Both become lethal enemies to our soul as we struggle to obtain, maintain and retain wholeness. Forgiveness never excuses what has been done against one. It does however exonerates the culprit. this is a good thing. My greatest victory has come by releasing others from the responsibility of my pain. believe it! Forgiveness is freeing. It is in this freedom that we find the strength to allow healing, with healing comes wholeness.

An equally important component is loving people exactly where they are. I should add people who consistently drain you of your energy should not be on your guest list nor, should you feel obligated to invite them to share a beautiful sunset. or soft rainfall with you.

Some people are not deserving of your life. It is unfair to you to be constantly bogged down by those who take while offering nothing or even little; particularly emotionally. It is unfair to the other person to expect of them what they have made exceedingly clear they are (for whatever reason) unable to deliver.

  Choices are a very good thing! We can choose relationships which are worth keeping. Remember the ones we keep we will only tolerate faults unless we commit to loving the person where they are. This will require mercy. Mercy says; I show love, forgiveness and kindness toward you although you may not think it is deserved. Mercy is about what is in us, not what is not in the other person.

As we train ourselves to operate out of love, kindness and grace we are less likely to be held captive as prisoners of emotional turmoil. It’s really quite liberating because the end result is mess released. The mess is replaced with peace. Imagine that! Letting go of those incapable of staying in relationships albeit personal, or otherwise is not always a bad thing. The important gold nugget is not concerning that which is gone, but that which remains. Those, who in spite of faults still add value to your life, these are the people to blanket in grace!

  Remembering; grace is not about what another person lacks. It is about what is within us. Our greatest strength is the knowledge of our own capabilities. Without uncertainty we must be able to say; I dictate the absolute flow of peace in my life. I do this by deciding to surround myself with those who believe in my capabilities, who encourage, support and value me.

I decide to live in freedom by giving grace and forgiveness with my love.( I am not where God is in all this but I’ll give it my best) Sweetly put I am learning each day to live in laughter. My joy comes from within; therefore it is not contingent upon another person and because it is not I am able to feel unspeakable joy in my wonderful imperfect Purrfextlife!

Colors of Life

Recently I walked a pathway where the autumn trees where a splendid reddish orange with streaks of summers green, clearly identifiable of the season passed.




The leaves were raining down, floating on the gentle autumn breeze. Standing in the midst of this falling into a season of perfection I stood in awe. A gust of wind sent them scurrying across my path. Once again stopping to catch my breath, somberly recalling the previous year.

Having walked this very path, in this very season; this season, where the sunlight dances upon the vivid color of the leaves dangling from  branches. Images of how dull and lifeless the trees once were invade the beauty.

 A dear friend of mine and the father of my oldest daughter had just passed away. My spirit was so filled with mourning, I saw only massive trees, wanting, bending like weeping willows, hovering over me, mocking the gloom that hovered over my soul.

The wind blew only there was no gentle, beauty nor calm rather an unwelcomed stillness. Wandering on this path ensnared in a measureless sorrow. I remember asking God, "Who will call me when I am thinking of him?" when the end of a long day arrived and all I want to do is pull the covers over my head, the phone would never again ring with his voice on the other end, “Just checking on you, How you doing?” It was if he always knew some how just the time I was down in a funk and he would call me speaking into a void. I cried a lot. Dear God, I spoke out loud; how will this ever be okay? How will I ever heal?

Finding myself caught at a cross road of parallel seasons where the path I walked then held the same beauty as the path I am on. The only difference was my perception. Events we experience while simply living have a way of changing the color of our life. They change us, sometimes temporarily, sometimes forever. Life keeps changing me. My friend is irreplaceable. I am forever changed as I miss him forever. My answer to how will this ever be okay has come to me time and again in many ways. There are times I still cry when the reality of never seeing him again overwhelms me, or when I remember the plans he talked about for his future, for his children, will not be realized. The more important part of life is I can laugh again when I think of him, as I remember something witty he said, or did.  

  I look at our daughter and grandchildren (I’m thankful to have held on to what my heart spoke to me years ago, when others said it was best for me to terminate my daughter’s life) I see so much of him.  I cannot imagine not having this. I see a heritage from God knowing it is Him who has purposed each life and he makes no mistakes.

 Not long ago my oldest grandson was goofing off. He slid across the kitchen floor and I saw his grandfather in him. Something I can’t explain happened inside of me. It was if my spirit connected to God's plan. I rested in an unexplainable  peace. Everything has a season.  something settled inside, forever settled.

 As I continued on my walk amidst the splendid radiant colors of fall, the sun shining, the wind scurrying leaves across my path, standing for a moment in absolute silence of the mind under the trees where golden leaves dangle like jewels, I look up into the blue sky  giving thanks to God. God, who holds eternity for the precious, treasured time my daughter had with her father and I with my friend.

I will always know when my telephone rings it will never again be him. This is the imperfection of my otherwise imperfect PurrfextLife.

Redeemed and Rewarded!

There are times when I look back on the faults, failures and shortcomings of my parenting years and think; God, how did I ever recover? I honestly have not always had the faith I have today. I guess I got by on mustard seed faith.

I have five children and at some point all of them with the exception of one have let me have it with both barrels. The one, she’s grown into a gentle soul where I am concerned, she’s given it also, but in a kind way. I have to say; my only son, although I have heard from him as well on my parental skills, or lack thereof, he slides a cushion under his, probably that innate sense to protect me; I am after all his mother. From somewhere inside most little boys are born protectors of their mothers. Then there are the ones who have let me have it! No mercy, driven me away like a wounded little animal, where I retreated to my bed, pulled the bed covers over my head and wept sorrowfully as I wondered. How does a person, such as me, decide intentionally, on purpose to raise healthy happy children? I mean before I placed my trust and hope in my faith, I must have read several hundred self help books on children, marriage and family. How in the world does this happen? How did I make so many mistakes? How do I come out looking like the shark that swallowed the guppy? Oh, the bitter Pain of it all.






It was out of my tumultuous upbringing my greatest heart’s desire quickened. It was to give my children a better life than I knew and yet somehow I still failed. I ended up twice divorced a broken home, a statistic, in a world where no matter the rise of divorce, the nuclear home is still preferred. Not that this is a bad thing. It becomes bad in a world where a shadow of failure is cast over your life and you live out the profound effect the little demon; divorce has on your family. Something breaks, and leaving you to feel as though you will never recover. Children grow up, leave home, but there is forever that mistake, the failure hanging around your neck like a noose.





Then something amazing happens. One of those children that have flown the nest stops by to tell you her recollection, and it’s good, sometimes what she saw in you as a mother and other times as a wife. Still there are more times, recently my youngest daughter said to me; “I just want to say; as long as I can remember, it is like you were the only parent and I think you did a great job with all of us.” My heart warmed, toasty warm, like drinking a hot cocoa by the fireplace on a winter morning. Tears caught up in my throat, as I hugged her close, thanking her. Only four days shy of twenty-one and already able to push past that imperfect mom I was, and still am. In spite of years she barreled through quite miserable. She now comes with ovations!

When this happens, you feel just crazy enough to believe you must have sown something good. Yes! Good seed in rich soil. How else would you reap words so rewarding, so you smile, tell yourself for absolute, there are no perfect parent and all your faults, shortcomings and failures are redeemable.

You crawl into bed and say a prayer to God, the giver of life, and thank him for your wonderful imperfect purrfextlife!

Like a Diamond

Recently I attended the most awesome women's conference. I mean it was dynamic! On the last day Pastor Lynette Lewis; an anointed woman of god spoke. The message was; Rise and Shine. Among the awesome word and testimony she also shared how she began her first book with no knowledge. She just had to find out how to do it, and she did!

My book will come at a later date; However, Pastor Lewis has inspired me on this day to simply blog. (I’m not good at putting myself out there) It's a beginning, right? I've been journaling for years. At present I have several journals going at once. One particular journal I've made it a point to always end with, thank you God for my perfectly imperfect life. This journal for whatever reason has always resonated blog.

It doesn't matter how my day ends, whether in a growl from sheer frustration, or bitter tears of sadness and/or heartache. I compare it to a diamond. A diamond can appear to both the naked eye, and even under a microscope as flawless, and yet it may have a small imperfection. Perhaps from afar it may appear to be perfect but as one peers closer there is a notable shatter.

Life is like that diamond; appearing flawless, however upon closer inspection we discover in truth it is indeed flawed and yet the diamond is undeniably beautiful! This is only a small nugget, but my great hope is no matter the adversities of life you will choose to see beauty in your imperfect PurrfextLife!